Give Queen new yacht for diamond jubilee, says Gove

Her Blessed Majesty, richest woman in the world, should be given a £60 million yacht, says Michael Gove. "Jolly nice of him," I thought, "why?" For staying alive a long time and hence reaching a diamond jubilee. Not particularly difficult to do when the likeliest thing to kill you is apoplexy from Phil's latest gaffe but never mind. It's very generous of one of the rich Tories to give such a generous gift.

Oh, wait. The Nayshun should give her the yacht. "Thank 'ee ma'am, for sixty glorious years."

I'll return to Gove in a minute. For now, let's see if we can imagine what an 85 year old woman would do with a second yacht. Give the old one to Charles and have races up and down the Thames? Sail it single-handed across the bath tub? Blockade Harrods and take potshots at the owner? Fill it with pairs of corgis and horses and wait for a really good rainstorm? Can you imagine her on DJ-Day, pretending not to know what's in the big yacht-shaped parcel, unwrapping it and pretending to like it. "It's just what I wanted. You can never have too many yachts."

"Gawd bless her and all who'll sail in her." "Which won't be me, you stupid peasant, I'm 85. Nip of malt, box of chocolates and a night in with Coronation Street, that's what I want."

Let's think of some practicalities. Where does one buy a yacht, apart from Harrods and that's a no-no. One goes to a yacht builder, discusses plans, waits for the yacht to be built. The speed this government moves at it'll be Harry getting the yacht in five years. Better add a Jolly Roger and a Reichsmarine jack to the flag locker and call it the Graf Spee.

So, a smartarse idea that hasn't neen thought through. Which brings us back to Michael Gove. Ah, Gove. For those who don't know Gove, he's the Secretary of State for Education. Came from decent stock, degree in English, jumped on the Young Conservative bandwagon as it was his only chance of getting laid, did a bit of local journalism, became a leader writer for the Times. Advanced under Murdoch, became a politician, squirmed into Surrey Heath. Similar to David Cameron - no real job and little experience of the hoi palloi, now ruling the country. (Excuse me, ma'am.)

What has SOSFE Gove achieved? Well, he's cut the allowance which was instrumental in helping poor children stay on at school to achieve academic qualifications. (Gove got a scholarship to go to grammar school.) He's resurrecting a few idea which even the neocons in Texas have admitted were a gross failure. His flagship policy (slipped that one in neatly, didn't I) is "Academies". Anyone who can understand the process and follow the law can get extra money to start an academy if they don't like their local schools. Okay, the money that should now be repairing schools was cut by Gove's government and teachers and curriculum have been slagged off, by Gove's government. Here's some more money for a few schools, from Gove's government.

Those of you with knowledge of education systems and Dickens will be muttering "Dotheboys Hall" about now and you wouldn't be far wrong. Take up of this munificence has been slow to date, because starting a school ins't actually that easy. One needs to research demand, acquire property, staff it, recruit pupils, become au fait with the laws that haven't been scrapped. There are only so many head teachers to go around and many in the public sector, even despite the demands of their positions, aren't interested. Thank god there's a rabid Daily Mail journalist who's started an academy. It would be a bit embarrassing if even the educated right wing weren't on board. Oops, they're not.

So, bugger the current system. Tack on an expensive new irrelevance. Pontificate, then suggest a new yacht for HM. Oh, and he's suggested that all schoolchildren should get a present to mark the Diamond Jubilee. Probably a picture of his smirking face approaching a royal backside with tongue eagerly extended.

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I was going to add some juicy quotes from Gove but there aren't any. The man is grey and sad. Here's a few made-up facts about him instead.

1) Nobody is allowed to touch Michael Gove's todger unless wearing Marigold rubber gloves.

2) Michael was thrilled by Biggles stories when a child. He identified with Ginger.

3) Michael's favourite food is mince, neeps and tatties. He doesn't eat it in public though.

4) Michael tried to sell his soul to the devil when 22 years old. The devil farted in his general direction and told him he had the parts of a hamster.

5) Michael really, really, really wants to be Prime Minister. When he confessed this to Cameron, Cameron farted in his general direction and told him he had the parts of a hamster.