As I was saying: I am not pleased that I'm being distracted from important European meetings by stupid kerfuffles from home. I've barely had a chance to catch the cricket I mean, to draw breath and you're up in arms like a bunch of schoogirls! You'd think I'd killed a fox.
Now: Mrs Miller. She may well be a bit dozy but anyone can forget their parents are living in a house they own, especially when they're living in a house they don't own. As to getting that second house at a cheap rent, surely that's good - lower expense claims. Even George sees that. And the claims were investigated by what's his name - I can remember him yelling "get me your effing receipts, you stupid b*tch, or I'll have the effing plods on you".
I'm told some of you don't like the fact that I'm letting the Chipping Norton Gazette regulate itself. I told the editor, the ebullient Mr Dacre, the other night at dinner, I told him that we would be keeping a good degree of seperation between press and politicians - "width of an effing dinner table, eh Davy boy" was his response so he clearly understands our position.
Now, important matters. I've heard more muttering about George and let me tell you, I'm pretty sick of it. Of course he can tell his arse from his elbow - he was at Eton. And it's hardly his fault (until I want it to be) that parish revenues are down. None of us quite knows why - after all, Sam's quids in as a posh designer and my share portfolio is going great guns - literally, thanks to Saudi Arabian disruptive elements. People just aren't spending locally though, as I said to Sam in the Duty Free emporium. Don't blame me if the carol concert is cancelled this year and you have to pull your own teeth - get to Mr Botherkoch's Ye Olde Village Store and buy a jar of snails or something.
What else? Oh yes, Mr Gove's Academy. We can't keep pumping money into this (well, we can and will, but we need some better publicity). That's why I've told Mr Squeers that he can set teachers' pay - and the howls from the great unwashed! Remember that half of the teachers at Dothepublic Hall are not trained and couldn't hack it in the army - why should they be paid huge sums from the public pocket? And don't let them think they can make it up in benefits. Oh no, we saw them coming there!
Right, I hope that's shut you up for a while. I'm off now: want to get in a few ciggies for Vince Cable. He doesn't smoke but he'll appreciate the thought. And that silly lad Clegg has probably forgotten to water the plants. No wonder nobody will trust him with the country. Take care everybody and have a good Christmas, if I don't speak to you again before that - I might not be bothered.
Stop Press: Mr Dwight Botherkoch III is suing Mrs Dobbins, from whom he bought the village store, for $11.1 billion. It appears that $8.8 billion worth of stock and fittings wasn't actually in existence. The Polish accountant, Mr Kpmg, apparently missed that. In other news, I've announced plans to look into stopping formal training for lawyers and accountants and anyone else who wants to go to university. On the job training, that's the ticket.
Stop Press 2: just to show how green we are, could anyone who has packaging from flat pack furniture or leftover bits of wood please bring them to the rear of the village school so Mr Gove can build the promised extension.
Davros Cameron running the village, part I
DCam running village, part II
DCam running village, part III