Saturday 3 December 2011

The Rebekah Brooks Diary: Part 5

Chipping Norton has a new hero, dear Diary! An aging man who seized a good franchise and became rich has said or done something outrageous and it wasn't even mentioned in Leveson. Oh Jeremy, you Jem. Outrage the little people and they're scurrying off to buy your Christmas DVD "Sniffing Petrol With The Lads".

Mind you, I thought he looked quite shamefaced when he said it - that's not the way Jeremy. The path to freedom is:

1) Nobody said it

2) It was a junior technician who said it

3) Nobody heard him say it

4) I'm too high up to know he and all his mates said it

5) I don't recall my second in command telling me what had been said

6) Someone high up but not me told them to say it

7) Get a selfless, eternally-devoted employee, a friend, a woman of sterling character, to resign even though she didn't say it, never knew it had been said and quite frankly doesn't give a toss anyway.

It's the po-faced holier-than-thous jumping on the Hang Clarkson bandwagon that annoy me. A made-up media fuss. Here in Chipping Sodem we know who we support. Mrs Bunn even had Clarkson Cupcakes as the daily special until some lawyers got in touch about image rights and royalties owing. I see her doors are closed now - must tell SamCam - one of her friends wants to open up a pot pourri shop - arts and crafts, that's what we want round here, not bread for the poor. Anyway, they all drive to Aldi, wherever and whatever that is,

And what's all the fuss about anyway? Jeremy said that strikers should be shot in front of their families. Well, the last time I looked we were a free country and he's entitled to his opinion and the chance to express it on live television while advertising "Same Old Stunts you're too thick to remember". One we won't be watching round at the Camerons' on Boxing Day, no matter how many publisher's freebies JC gives out as presents. Tight bugger (and I don't mean his jeans).

Back to Leveson; what's been happening there? Hugh Grant gave a good performance. If he could get a fraction of that emotion into his acting he'd still have a movie career. Some people I've never heard of cried on about their daughter's phone being hacked - I can't understand why a royal correspondent would want to hack a teenage girl's phone - she's never been bedded by either of the two Princes so she's nothing.

Charlie says I'm harsh and that the teenage girl was a celebrity of sorts. Two points, Charlie: don't read over my shoulder and remember who has the brains and the writing talent in this family, never mind the finger on the pulse that all great newswomen have.

Changing the subject, several small people have written to me (all in green ink, oddly, but good to see the old ways still respected) with kind wishes over my surrogate pregnancy. You'll all be glad to know that I'm quite well and managing the final months without great difficulty. The person who's carrying the child - daft phrase as it just floats in her stomach, as I told here when she muttered about her fee - seems okay. She'll have a hell of a job breaking the contract anyway, Rupert's lawyers did a great job there, and if she does run back to Poland or wherever she comes from, good luck in selling a redheaded child. More likely to be burned at the stake. I do wish I could remember her name though - all the details are on Charlie's laptop and the police, jobsworths all, won't let me have it back. Oh for the good old days when a pony would have seen them right.

Charlie's just mentioned Humpty Dumpty - bit early to have been at the whisky, dear. Oh, little Hammond, put back together by public sector workers. Rather proves Jeremy's point doesn't it - they're endangering TV presenters' lives when they strike.

A pony is Cockney slang for £25. Cheap at half the price. Or police.

At this point your author would normally advertise something relevant. As that would be a Clarkson product and I'd rather squash my own scrotum between two housebricks, space left blank deliberately!

Rebekah Brooks Diary:
   Part 1
   Part 2
   Part 3
   Part 4
   Part 5
   Part 6


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