Monday 3 September 2012

G4S Gets Cabinet Contract From Conservatives

Eyebrows were raised today when Conservative Central Office announced that G4S has been awarded a contract to manage the forthcoming Cabinet shuffle. The value of the contract has not been announced but shares in G4S leapt 10% when the news broke.

A smiling David Cameron said, "this is a great opportunity for Britain. We're limiting the programme to ministers initially but it could be extended to the whole of the house. It's an ideal way to streamline the process and save money."

So, who will the winners and losers be? It's not thought that Chancellor Geoge Osborne will be affected. A Parliamentary insider said "George hasn't turned up to run the economy for the last twelve months - he's G$S's ideal candidate."

Breaking News: George Osborne has just found out that he actually likes the idea of a third runway. Betting on his staying put has been suspended.

One man expecting promotion is little Michael Gove. His ambitious plans for Free Schools have proved as effective as a Capita IT system so he's a natural for advancement, especially as he has no chance of becoming leader of the party. His willingness to twist the law to manipulate schools' and pupils' outcomes shows a ruthlessness lacking in the mysteriously invisible Theresa May; expect Gove in the Home Office in a week. He's already salivating about the number of playing fields that will come under his control.

What then will become of Theresa? "We don't have the Lords contract yet," said a G4S spokesman, "but we run catering at lots of events. We should be able to find her something."

Kenneth Clarke's position as minister for getting poor people and rioters into prison is under threat. Not only does he sometimes imply that not all crime is committed by urban blacks and Labour voters, he is also extremely old. "We don't actually know how to handle him," said a spokesman. "All our other contacts with coffin dodgers are as ex ministers on the board or in one of our lovely care homes so we're not used to hearing from them. They're usually sedated or, in the homes, watching Emmerdale reruns."

Little Willam Hague is expected to stay where he is. Again, he's no threat to Cameron and many foreigners, who have lower standards, think he's cute. He also doesn't mind that much of the UK's foreign aid goes to management consultants or into dubious business ventures.

Welsh secretary Cheryl Gillan (admit it, you didn't know that) is thought likely to depart. Speaking out against high speed rail links two days before Dave announces billions in contracts for large construc infrastructure projects is a bit silly.

Mark Prisk will be staying at Business And Enterprise as old Etonians like to make jokes on his name,

Up for promotion is Grant Shapps, the one whose face you can''t quite place but he looks a bit like a cross between Ken Dodd and Alan Carr. In April 2009 he launched the Conservative Party's 9th Green Paper on policy called Strong Foundations so he's known as a bit of a joker.

Keen-eyed readers will have noticed one big department not yet mentioned. Health. Andrew Lansley has proved an ideal Cameronian in producing a string of ludicrous ideas made out to be bold initiatives. The opposition (General Medical Council, Royal College Of Nursing, unions, people, probably pet cats as well) have been kept on the hop as one dazzling idea after another cascades from the brain of Lansley. Nobody has time to finish discrediting one daft idea before another sizzles onto the grill. Not even David Willetts is so out of touch with what the country needs or wants - he's definitely a stayer.

Depressing, isn't it? We certainly want most of the incumbents out but the replacements will be no different (perhaps a bit shinier and more used to kissing Cameron's backside). I'm not even mentioning the LibDems, a coward few, For hireling traitor's wages. Ah well, I've been looking at pics of Grant Shapps and I feel a little dirty so I'm off to wash my eyeballs.

38 Degrees is a movement that organises online petitions. They/we have already had some successes - not even Cameron can ignore 100,000+ signatures on an issue (though he wants to). Sign up - it's free - and get voting.
For a few more thoughts on David Cameron, see how he'd run his local village, continued in part 2.


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