I'm running the village now, part 5

As you know, when I graciously agreed to run our lovely little village, I took on captaincy of the Chipping Norton Cricket Club. I've been looking at the finances and there's one payment that stands out - our annual dues to the EEC (Eton and Expats Cricket). It's quite a significant sum so I propose that we refuse to pay it.

This does mean that we'll not be able to play anybody in the league and will probably have to disband our own club, but that's the price to pay for principles (main principle being getting me re-elected).

On a personal note, we'll be having our monthly poker game next week. I'll be bluffing on hands 4, 11 and 23.

Now, to more unpleasant matters. I've heard grumbling from some of you about the cuts in realignment of council tax benefits. This really is too much, moaning about a few pounds when there are people with no home at all, or just the one in some ghastly town up north. We're all part of the Big Society and that means the bottom feeders as well. If you're having difficulty buying food, get the gardener to convert an acre or two to vegetables. Better for you than all those burgers anyway.

[Note to Anna Soubry - plant story about poor people being porkers in parish magazine - that'll work.]

I'm sure you'll all join me in congratulating that dark chappie being returned as head of our twin town, Washington. Obviously not who one would have chosen, not when there's a wealth creator of the calibre of cousin Milt standing, but at least I won't have to watch Tom Cruise films when I'm invited over.

[Note to PPS: why haven't I been invited over?]

More good news for the parish, and yet some of you are still treating it as doom and gloom. There'll be lots of ex-soldiers free to act as casual labour soon, or as teachers in Mr Gove's Free School And Dental Emporium. Save through cheap labour and get rid of the Poles you're currently using. More joined-up thinking from yours truly, so there.

We can even employ them to answer the phone in our local Sercon call centre. One less Pole again, and these people will speak English, after a fashion. (They may shout a bit but that doesn't really matter when Uncle George is blue in the face.) There aren't usually any ambulances in range anyway, so why people think it matters how quickly a phone is answered frankly baffles me. BUPA, it's not rocket science.

Right, I hope that's quietened the moaning minnies. I'm off to eat some Belgian chocolate. Organic, naturally.

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Notices: Ms R Brooks, please contact the mobile library (Wednesday 1630 - 1645) - something about overdue books. Eric P: the local weight watchers group has nominated you for an award - well done, that man.

Late announcement: Miss Truss has said she'll be expanding her Kindergarten For People Like Us. Apparently her garden shed can now be converted into a Learning Experience for up to twenty toddlers with the aid of a grant from my council. Don't worry, no new money, I'm taking it from the early intervention grant. Far more sensible to let things develop and then nip in when the bruises and fractures show up more clearly - saves police time and health care providers' time.

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I'm running the village now:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

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