Monday 11 May 2020

This Roadmap Has Ceased To Be

A customer enters a Zoom chat.

Laura K: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The Prime Minister does not respond.)

Laura K: 'Ello, Miss?

Prime Minister: What do you mean "Miss"?

Laura K: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I think it's a cold anyway. I wish to make a complaint.

Prime Minister: We're closin' for recess.

Laura K: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this roadmap what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very committee.

Prime Minister: Oh yes, the, uh, the Lockdown Blue. What's, uh, what's wrong with it?

Laura K: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Prime Minister: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Laura K: Look, matey, I know a dead roadmap when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Prime Minister: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable plan, the Lockdown Blue, innit, eh? Beautiful verbiage!

Laura K: The verbiage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Prime Minister: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Laura K: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the camera) 'Ello, Mister bloody roadmap! I've got a lovely fresh facemask for you if you show...

(Prime Minister hits the camera.)

Prime Minister: There, he moved!

Laura K: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the camera!

Prime Minister: I never!!

Laura K: Yes, you did!

Prime Minister: I never, never did anything...

Laura K: (yelling and hitting the camera repeatedly) 'ELLO FOLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes roadmap out of the camera and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Laura K: Now that's what I call a dead roadmap.

Prime Minister: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Laura K: STUNNED?!?

Prime Minister: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Lockdown Blues stun easily, major.

Laura K: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That roadmap is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Prime Minister: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Laura K: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Prime Minister: The Lockdown Blue prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable plan, innit, squire? Lovely verbiage!

Laura K: Look, I took the liberty of examining that roadmap when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.


Prime Minister: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that plan down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its wit, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Laura K: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this plan wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Prime Minister: No no! 'E's pining!

Laura K: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This roadmap is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-roadmap!!


Prime Minister: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of roadmaps.

Laura K: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Prime Minister: (pause) I got a slug.


Laura K: Pray, does it talk?

Prime Minister: Nnnnot really.


Prime Minister: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Laura K: Well.


Prime Minister: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Laura K: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.


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